Commes Des F**kdown: Guide to being Hipster

My outfit for a night out in Bristol. Taken from Instagram @hollyannarisdon. A crop top and an over-sized Levi's jacket  screams edge without desperate cries to be acknowledged.

Being hipster is easy, whatever your starting point. The place to start is your wardrobe. Boys and girls, invest in some vintage Levi's (stonewashed denim is essential) in jacket/high-waisted shorts form (but not worn together). Depending on your desired hipster intensity, ranging from moderate (there's no way you can be a little bit hipster) to off the scale, what you wear with your denim is essential. For obvious hipster but not too OTT, go for plain clothes (e.g. black, whites, slogan tees) and accessorise with some edgy jewellery. By 'edgy', I do not mean Primark or New Look. I mean charity shop or market stall - way less mainstream (remember, hipsters are just not mainstream). For moderate edge, go for some converse-style trainers or you could even stretch to some 90s-style Nike Airs for an even edgier look. Pair with ripped tights, denim shorts and over-sized colourful jumper for maximum hipster effect. You could also try some creepers (a quick Google can explain what they are if you're not sure). I've personally never been a fan of them but they add an edge to an outfit, even if they are stocked on the high street.

My Nike Airs - taken from my Instagram page @hollyannarisdon

Another hipster wardrobe staple is the beanie. A Commes des Fuckdown beanie or one with foreign words on it will help you achieve the really hipster look. It does need to be teamed with long-hair though (helping with the 'I-don't-care' attitude that I'll come onto later). A parka should also be invested in for true hipster 'I-go-to-warehouse-raves-every-weekend' style. For me, parkas only remind me of Frank Gallagher from Shameless which immediately turns me against them. 

For boys, a hair cut will edge you towards the hipster style. Go for short on the sides and longer on the top (I must say, a bit like Danny from The Script - but nobody has to know you asked for his cut in the hairdresser). Team this with a turtle neck jumper (patterned or plain will work), some rolled up jeans and some vans/converse style trainers. The obvious buttoned-up shirt will help you fit in anywhere. This shirt can actually come from anywhere nowadays with high street jumping firmly on the hipster bandwagon but charity shops and vintage dens will always result in the best buys.

Your style should scream that you 'don't really care' what you look like even though it's quite obvious you do. This means your attitude must be bang on as it's just as important as style. By attitude, I don't mean pretending you have an ASBO or an 'attitude problem'. By attitude, I mean your outlook on life. If you're hipster, you don't get easily stressed, often helped by the amount of green they smoke. I am now going to say that drugs are definitely not a prerequisite of being a hipster. In fact, it's probably more hipster and anti-mainstream to not do drugs - bear that in mind. You often see hipsters surrounded with other hipsters suggesting they are easy people to get on with. They also share interests of course such as warehouse raving or any other non-mainstream place (I recently encountered some of the most hipster people I've ever seen at a live Jazz night in Sheffield).

Don't be scared, you do not have to like staying up all night dancing in a derelict warehouse being covered in sweat that's dripping from the ceiling. To be a true hipster though, you really must avoid the mainstream clubs. Sorry if that's a shock for you and it's a free country but mainstream clubs will not welcome beanies as party attire and would prefer to see girls wearing nothing but heels and a 'dress' that makes them look like streetwalkers. Certainly not a hipster look. However, if you are interested in the warehouse experiences, check around on Facebook for those kinds of events or just Google warehouse clubs in your city. Motion, Timbuk2 and sometimes Thekla are great nights out in Bristol. There are great clubs in every city for this sort of thing. To be honest, anywhere that sells Red Stripe (that's all you can drink now, by the way - unlucky) for a ridiculously high price is allowed on the hipster list. 

If hipster is your style or you want to be more hipster and this blog hasn't helped, leave a comment and I'd be glad to update. See 'Acceptable in the 90s' in this blog or the sister blog (http://embellishmental.blogspot.co.uk) for further advice. 

Cooking up a Storm

Your cupboards are empty and you are trying to find recipes involving mayonnaise and half a red pepper on Google. This means you must go to the nearest supermarket and fill up several plastic bags with food to load on yourself like a camel before trekking home. As if this wasn't stressful enough, now you actually have to cook for yourself. Once your cupboards and fridge shelf are gloriously filled, you are on the road to dedicating many Instagram posts to your food you deem to be gourmet but is only really a stir fry (the meal that got me through first year). Other key meals include Spag Bol or, indeed, anything where the key ingredient is pasta.

Just a salad but look how Instagrammable. 

If you do want to cook some healthy meals, you can delve into the realms of the famed Student Cookbook that you've definitely been given by well-wishing family friends. The main problem with this is that you will never have all of the ingredients needed to make even a vague copy of the pristine picture in the book. To avoid this, you'll have to go shopping with the meal you want to make in mind which means one thing: organisation. This is something we students are not world-renowned for so unless you have a deadline you haven't planned for and will therefore organise the 24 hours before that deadline like a military operation consisting of a savage fight for a library computer and surrounding vending machines. However, unless your student cookbook is from Waitrose, none of the recipes will require anything other than essentials (i.e. no Cumin or Tarragon) so what you've managed to buy that wasn't crisps and chocolate should create some sort of meal. Your cookbook will mainly consist of stir frying vegetables with miscellaneous, interchangeable meat and many noodle dishes. Sadly, it doesn't matter how good a cook you are or how well you stuck to the recipe, you will never be able to make the food look as good as the photo even with the best choice of Instagram filter. You will also be stuck with a flatmate who is more skilled than your parents in the kitchen which you will inevitably want to avoid unless they are offering to roast plenty of food for you with minimal charge. Then they are your best friend. It is likely that this all-knowledgeable flatmate will cook with vegetables and salad which automatically makes that internet-friendly. Even a salad garnish will make any meal look infinitely healthier and therefore more Instagrammable (apart from chicken nuggets/fish fingers and chips - I'm afraid that will never look healthy). My only problem with Instagram posts of food is the accompanying hashtags (e.g. #instafood, #instagood and even #instachicken and all other hashtags starting with 'insta'). I also have the problem of eating all of the meal in one mouthful if it was worthy of Instagram because it just looks so damn good before being able to take a photo.

Don't fret if you can only cook up beans/cheese on toast or a jacket potato, Instagrammable meals will come with time and by the 3rd semester, you'll think you're Nigella/Jamie but better because you're a student and therefore cooking on a budget. My flatmate recently discovered Marmite pasta when he had bare cupboards and it's not half bad. So stock up on pasta and noodles and get creative. 

Acceptable in the 90s

So you've come to university and found that everybody is dressing like Will Smith (Feat DJ Jazzy Jeff) but somehow pulling it off in the same way. Even your once loved H+M and Topshop are stocking hipster baggy t-shirts and backing the acceptable-in-the-90s double denim clash. Maybe this isn't your style and that's fine but it does need explaining as to why double denim, in particular, is making a pathetic comeback (like most of the bands from that era now are - "we just love making music" = "we just love making money").

We can only hope that we do not look back at photos of our university time and cringe like we do at the awful 90s children clothes (e.g. dungarees and bright colours) out parents dressed us in. Although a lot of the fashion is very similar with the return of scrunchies and high-top trainers. Interestingly and in the only time of fashion I can remember, you can actually wear anything and not really go far wrong from the 90s trend. This is probably because 90s fashion was that awful that anything goes (or everyone was too drugged up to notice what they covered their physical dignity with). If you really are stuck for how to get involved in this trend then it's simple: an over-sized denim jacket is key and will add a 90s twist to your outfit (Urban Outfitters have some fab vintage Levi's in at the moment). It doesn't have to be faded denim (see photo above) and the pink hair is not essential. The next purchase you'll need to make will involve a sports shop and some Nike Airs (or any other brand of high tops you prefer). I know what you're saying, Nike Airs and Levi's jackets cost a lot of money but they'll last a while and this trend isn't going anywhere anytime soon for us students. In fact, I'm not sure it ever left as it's always been quite a student-attitude and style of 'I don't care'.

The next and equally essential component is jewellery or anything you can hang from your neck or wrap around your wrists or fingers. By this I mean, don't you dare think about cutting off that disgusting Reading Festival band from 3 years ago (even though a Glastonbury band would've been trillions cooler) as it now forms part of your student identity. I'm talking any bracelet you find unless it's a 'shagband' - they will never be acceptable again. If you don't know what I mean then you were not born in the 90s. What I mean is that you should find a market with a jewellery stall (the Guildhall markets in Bath are great for that with homemade earrings from 99p) and stock up on lots of cheap and unique, edgy jewellery. As many ear piercings the better, by the way. The only problem with coating your wrists in crap is that putting jackets on, no matter how over-sized, becomes quite problematic and you end up looking like Nemo with a gammy fin whilst trying to stay 'hipster' and cool. Also, because the hipster look is being stocked on the high street and 12-year old New Look shoppers call themselves hipster, the hipster style has to come from your attitude. This doesn't mean you need to revert to mimicking Harry Enfield and only say 'Yes/No Mrs Patterson'. The typical hipster is usually very chilled out, sociable and tranquil (apart from when you can barely see their dilated pupils buried in a Commes des Fuckdown beanie in a warehouse).

My version of hipster. Yes, the scarf is actually a 'kanga' from Tanzania which I bought on my Gap Yah. Oh so hipster.

I therefore hope this guide can help any confused souls out there by showing how to rock a 90s look. If still confused, get some denim, some jewellery some high tops, a beanie or two and a scrunchie and you're ready to go. If this isn't your style, don't force it but just be thankful this aspect of the 90s is surrounding you and not leopard print cat suits à la Scary Spice. Hopefully that will never be exhumed.

Every Little Helps: The Guide to Student Food Shopping

Gone has the hamper of gorgeous branded food your parents bought you for university which only means one thing: you're going to have to go food shopping. Luckily for me, I like shopping and my Dad hates it so I was the one that went to do the food shop on my ever-useful and ever-educational Gap Yah. However, the food shop will be trickier if you haven't been food shopping since you were younger and you used to have to hold on to the side of the trolley while your parent feared overwhelmingly that they'd lose you. But don't worry help is at hand. All you have to do is follow this guide to food shopping and you'll live through this year.

Firstly, I am in no doubt that you can and will live off food similar to that demonstrated in the photo above for at least the first semester because it's yummy and Mummy and Daddy aren't here telling you not to eat too much sugar (even though they're right) but hey, it's fun to rebel. However, at some dark time over the Winter, probably when you're at home for the holidays and you laugh at how funny a Butternut Squash looks because you haven't seen any vegetable for so long. This sad moment will spark an epiphany that you actually probably hate eating crisps and chocolate and noodles all day and need a change. This change will stem from your shopping and instead of spending all your time in the 'Savoury Snacks' aisle, you may just have to visit the 'Fresh Meat' aisle. Here, you will have ingredients for healthy meals and then you can take photos of your first roast to your doting parents. Be warned, this will now mean you're drafted in to help make the family roast whilst at home and can't have a Sunday afternoon nap anymore. You nap enough anyway, you're a student.

Anyway, key steps to saving money whilst food shopping are:
Step 1 - Write a list and stick to it (as much as possible anyway - it's only natural to lack will power when faced with a chocolate offer)
Step 2 - Make sure your list is sensible and doesn't just comprise of 'Vodka' and 'Beans'. Not a healthy combo and you will regret having empty cupboards when that Vodka bottle is empty.
Step 3 - Don't just get drawn in by huge 3 FOR 2 signs as it may be cheaper to buy things separately
Step 4 - Buy veg at a fruit and veg stall or green grocer as it's cheaper and the veg is much nicer (good for stir frying)
Step 5 - Get a Nectar/Clubcard as you save up so much money on there by the end of term (well spent on vodka)
Step 6 - Say goodbye to John West Tuna or Hellman's Mayonnaise. Basics/Everyday value produce is not always terrible, although I would avoid the Sainsbury's basics mayonnaise. You can stoop that low. And you will. Sorry.

Mainly, make sure you have a list that actually has stuff you want (and physically need) and stick to it otherwise it'll be toast and beans for supper again. That doesn't look so good on Instagram, even with a filter.

Read my Guide to Student Cooking to see what you can do with your lovely purchases.

Going to University (Part 2)

So, you're thoroughly sick of waking up with Alcohol Amnesia and wanting to vommit the entire day. You're also about to regret how much lovely parent-bought Waitrose food you ate when you were hungover as you will need tolive on supermarket own label basic everything from now on. You may have ambitions of this not happening, in fact, you may actively vow to never ever stoop that low but you will when you realise you've spent Brazil's yearly budget during Freshers. Savage. Don't worry, Sainsbury's offer a decent basics range although I'd avoid any frozen ready meal from them (cue horse meat jokes). Most else they offer is extremely  good value for money.

Now you feel likea proper student (constantly queezy and tired), it's time to go to your introductory lectures. Just a warning, you'll hate everyone giving the lectures because they're so fresh-faced and seem not to rate a hangover as a serious medical condition nor acknowledge that going out is more important than learning to First Years. Conversely, you are sitting there having had 3 hours sleep for the last 4 nights and have to not only listen to the fairly important information the lecturers are giving you but have to participate in the mad scramble for friends to sit with for the duration of the year. All looking like a painted turd wearing all the new 'uni clothes' your parents bought you and smelling like a tramp. Glorious. These are the kind of problems you will face now, not 'I wonder what I want to eat out of this over-stocked fridge' or 'No,Mum, I want the crusts cut off'. However, it is likely that 90% of the people in that brightly-lit lecture theatre is feeling just as bad as you are and looking nearly as bad (because nobody can feel as bad as you can or understand the pain you're going through).

Introductory lectures over, the next week brings excitement (for the coolest people among us) as you can use all the fresh, new notepads, pens, highlighters that comes with a new year of education. Obviously, this time you don't openly compare pencil cases with the person next to you as that would be immature but you clock them as a potential buddy or deem them unsuitable on ground of stationery clashes. You will soon lose interest in taking neat lecture notes when you realise your lecturers actually don't care whether you understand or not. You pay them your £9,000 for them to sweep your questions aside for third years and give you less attention than a mother ignoring the incessant cries of 'Mum,Mum, are we there yet?'. This will allow you to complain all the time and if it isn't a hobby of yours already, take it up and quick because you're soon to bea proper student. You'll also need to consider Twitter (if you don't already tweet every detail of your day) and Instagram (so you can upload photos of your amazing home-cooked spaghetti bolognese and pretend you're Nigella/Jamie). And if you've Instagrammed your bedroom but still need a few more useless pieces ofpaper then it's off to Freshers' Fair we go...

Freshers' Fair is one of the weirdest events of the year. Unless you knew people before going to uni, you end up going with flatmates or people you've only just met which means you have to censor what you join to fit in or escape endless questions about aweird hobby or interest. For example, if you join Pole Dancing Society,you are automatically judged to be a slut and if you join a sport, everyone assumes you've represented at least your county or school's 1st team at it. Also, there are more stalls than there are rainy days in England all trying to get your attention using bright colours, music, videos, posters, free gifts butmost of all, food. You'll come back with more sweets than a fat child trick-or-treating and you'll throw most of them away. You'll also throw away 80% of the stuff you get there and wonder why you joined the Trainspotting society (after finding out it's not about the film). It is fun though and was one of the last times I remember actually being motivated this year by so many enthusiastic 70%+ 2nd and 3rd year students (that's a very good percentage now by the way). If you are losing out in the battle for a close group of friends then a society or sport is a greatway to meet people. I joined Hockey and enjoyed the first 'Come and Play day' where we drank on the astro, (how wild, yah?) and played games. Joining a sport also fills up your first year because actual university work will fill up very little. Be prepared to stoop down to Jeremy Kyle audience level, every single day as you'll have nothing better to do. Also, if you actually do join societies and sports, which cost you yet more money, you will feel much more fulfilled and less full of regret at the end of your first year. First year is all about enjoying yourself as you have no responsibility (most firstyear work doesn't count towards your final degree classification and only haveto get 40% to get into the next year).

Congratulations,you've done Freshers week(s), Freshers Fair and some lectures. You are a fully-fledged university student. Go and have some experiences you can't tell your parents about (if you're that way inclined). 

Going to University (Part 1)

Congratulations or commiserations, you're going to a University.

You are about to enter a world of mature students, serious students, childish students, stoner students, raver students, cliquey students, lazy students, eccentric students, slutty students, students that are more alcohol than water and so much more (most of those adjectives can also be extended to the academics you'll encounter). I aim to give you a comprehensive guide of everything you need to survive going to university (I write this on the day of my la

st lecture of first year). So, whether you've had a Gap Yah (highly recommended) or not, you are bound to think that university is about being drunk all the time, not going to lectures and napping and to a large extent, you're right. 

I can only speak for those who landed in their insurance university and not those who were fortunate enough to go to their first choice. I must say, I was looking forward to going to uni but the fact I missed out by one UMS mark and therefore grade was not filling me with confidence about going somewhere I didn't originally want to go. Thankfully, I have subsequently discovered the city I'm in is much more interesting, fun and exciting than my first choice and it's all gone rather well (so keep the faith). For both the lucky ones who did get into their first choice uni and those who are there through circumstance  I bet you can't wait. The excitement begins even before you pack up all your earthly possessions and move into your shoe box you'll now call 'home' (much to the disgust of your parents). You can find all your new friends on Facebook who you'll clash with when nobody wants to tidy up their dishes and assorted mess from predrinks (this only gets worse during the year). You can therefore make immediate, inevitable judgements about your flatmates based on that tiny passport-sized Facebook profile picture they think sends a good image of themselves out to the world. Now it's time to meet them...

OK so you've packed up your entire life into your parent's car ready for them to take you to your new home and leave you all alone. For me, it was only a 1 hour drive to my independence and subsequent, total responsibility which meant I wasn't nervous for very long. You then have to find a place near your halls in the pedestrianised-zone for your parents' car. My Dad insisted on taking the only space available blocking the entrance to the door to my block. Don't worry, it was actually quite a good idea and not that embarrassing (people don't refer to me as the girl who blocked the door on the first day - these people would have very good memories and sad lives). My Dad is a very practical man and brought a trolley-type-thing to transport my abundant amount of stuff I thought I needed. Yes, say goodbye to this level of practicality, enthusiasm and ingenuity as this will be long gone by the hazy first morning you wake up wearing nothing but your shoes and last night's face and are too lazy to boil the kettle. Picking up your room key, however, is the first obstacle. You will be in a small reception room in a long queue, trying to work out the system faster than your parents to prove your independence. Room key obtained, you are now sitting in your new empty room with your parent(s) and your life in boxes. Part of you wants your parent(s) to leave so you can look like a proper adult in front of your new friends and part of you wants them to stay forever and look after you so you can be lazy. Unfortunately (or fortunately), they do leave and there you are with your biggest challenge yet: decorating your bedroom. Once all posters and pictures from what you regard as your childhood but was, in fact, 2 months ago on a family holiday, are all up on the wall, it's time to socialise. This may mean something different before you go to uni but here, it means getting drunk (blotto, bladdered, gazeeboed for my more vocabulary-laden readers).

If you're one of those lucky buggers that took a Gap Yah, it's likely you've already done some serious drinking (you will take drinking far more seriously than anything else in first year by the way). This may mislead you to believe you can drink people under the table and will undoubtedly result in not making out after predrinks where you played Ring of Fire and downed several half-vodka half-lemonades to the soundtrack of "Weeeeee like to drink with......". This is also a dangerous probability for you little nippers coming straight from school having only ever, at most, had half a bottle of wine to yourself at Christmas lunch and now feel you must prove yourself. It's a right of passage and you won't even miss out on that much on one night of Freshers (just make sure it isn't the first night, eh?). Also, if you are so inclined, you can begin to fill up your slot on the 'Chunder Chart' and gloat about it to all visitors to the flat (except your parents who will never see said tally).

Read Part 2 of this guide, including Freshers’ Fair and the inevitability of supermarket basics-level food