Guide to your first Parent-Free Holiday

If "OO-AH-MALIAAA I SAID OO-AH-MALIAAAAAAA" is all you're hearing at the moment then congrats, you're going on your first parent-free holiday. No curfews, no rules, no problem. Perfect. Or is it?

Firstly, if you think your parents are going to let you leave for your holiday without inviting the Queen around for a goodbye ceremony of the weirdest kind, you're wrong. It will all start a month or so before you're due to leave when they start to ask you about what you're going to pack, when you're going to pack and where you intend on getting your rape alarm from. My advice is to let them worry because even if you try to reassure them, they'll be right back on it the next day. After my A-levels, our friends went to a house in Cornwall (because it's where all the cool cats go). It's also because most of us were in couples and saw no point in having to subject ourselves to the sunburned sights of Kavos all trying to get off with each other. Our parents still "helped" with the packing meaning they took out every bikini and crop top and swapped it for jeans and a rather flattering sweatshirt owned since 2001. No matter though, the bikinis came with us. 

Secondly, I don't know how well-known this is but your parents are older than you. They have so much more "experience" of life which is unfortunately, an end to any rational argument about whether to take 2 cans of pepper spray or none. Your parents "know more than you ever will" even if they've never been clubbing or to your destination before. Your parents will never understand that you've had experiences of your own that they've never had and refuse to even think about comparing them to the rich and complex experiences they've had. My advice? Let them believe they know everything but use your own experience to guide you. You know it'll be hot so take a proper sun cream. That's from you. Your parents will also insist on kaftans and hats but you need to choose what to wear, not your parents. 

Thirdly and lastly, your parents will expect some form of contact out there and will have probably bought you an international calling card that they used a lot but us teens have never encountered before. If you contact them every now and then, you'll put their minds to rest and they can trust you. Remember, you are away WITHOUT your parents. Go and get so drunk you'll never want to be drunk again.

Unless you want to end up on Sun, Sex and Suspicious parents, I really would heed your parents advice on most things (or at least tell them you will) and contact them at some point. You do not want your parents being in the same club as you whilst you dance on bars with attractive/scummy people.

A Guide to being a Tourist

One of the most eagerly anticipated events of a Briton's annual calendar is here: the summer holiday. You've got your sunglasses, your beach towels and your SPF20 that you'll soon have to disregard (sensibly) for SPF50+ after the first hour in the sun. You are probably going somewhere hot in the Med like Spain (a favourite destination for us Brits). The problem with this is that the colour of our skin is so noticeably abhorrent compared to the locals that we stick out like pale thumbs. This teamed with the bumbag your parents insist on wearing, the sunhats they insist you wear and the worryingly loud English shouted by your parents at scared locals makes it quite obvious you are a tourist. This guide aims to help you fit in wherever you're going this summer.

If you don't see what is wrong with this, then I cannot help you.

Firstly, your clothing will give you away way before you manage to offend them by adding '-o' to every word you don't know in a heinously embarrassing Spanglish accent (e.g. Hola, where-o... a.. restaurant-o...?). Try to avoid the bumbag look. Not only because it looks awful on everyone but also because you're just showing pickpockets where all your stuff is - clever. Try, also, to avoid wearing your swimming costume and sarong anywhere that isn't the beach or a swimming pool - it doesn't look good or fit in with locals and they're going be even more offended. However, if you insist on doing either of these things then please please PLEASE make sure you do not wear pulled up ankle socks with trainers or, even worse, sandals. It may be comfier than your slippers in winter but any sane person in the world (local or not) are going to laugh you out of their town. For good reason. 

Q.E.D.

Your clothing, whatever it is, will look ten times worse if you are sporting a lobster red sunburn underneath. Worse because it's red raw skin and worse because you so obviously look like someone from Britain who never gets any sun. I don't care if "it'll go brown tomorrow", it still looks horrendous and gives you a much higher risk of skin damage - your choice.  I understand you want to have a healthy glow but a TOWIE tan is too far (I hope you're listening, Essex).

Lastly, the language barrier is not removed in any way by shouting loudly in a weirdly accented English at locals who don't remotely know what you're talking about. You need to at least try to speak their language. Get a phrase book (and not a joke one!) and invest some time going through it before you get there. I don't mean on the plane, either! If you're a family, one of your children might be learning a foreign language at school so they might be able to help. However, if you want some help from them, you are going to have to try not to embarrass your children by calling them "the fruit of your loins" loudly in public. We hate that. So stop.

If you're going abroad this summer (lucky) then just try to remember that you're basically an ambassador for our country and I do not want to be known as an overweight, pale, balding, embarrassing nation. So just try not to be a 'tourist'.