A Guide to Getting Through November

The days are getting shorter, you course load is getting heavier and your bank balance is becoming closer and closer to your overdraft limit. That's right, winter is coming. Never fear though as help is at hand to get you through this tough month!

For most of us, November means one thing: no money. Gone has the loan that saved you from the horrors of Asda Smartprice and provided you with enough vodka to tranquilize an army. Without wanting to sound like your parents and for want of a better phrase, it's time to start budgeting. Budgeting for some of you may mean eating porridge 3 meals a day until you go home for Christmas but it's easy to save enough money to escape undernourishment. 

Firstly, going out is expensive. I'm not suggesting that you don't go out, that would be ludicrous. I'm suggesting being wise about it. Predrinking is a necessity as clubs charge an arm and several legs for drinks. They can also lure you to the bar with the promise of a £1 shot but allow you to drunkenly decide that spending £10 on a fishbowl is a good idea. I'm not suggesting that you should get so sloshed at predrinks that you can't get to the club, I'm merely suggesting that drinking a few before you go out will save the wonga. The same goes for food after leaving the club. We all love a Kebab-U-Like but wait until you get home. My reward for getting myself home is a chunk of cheese. 

Another considerable expense on a night is the dreaded taxi. Some of the taxi drivers can take advantage of a group of drunk people by charging them more than they should. Does "I'm not paying £30 to get to Frenchay!" ring any bells? Also, many UWE students have bus passes and as the buses now run later, you can get into town for FREE. The FirstBus also does a £2.90 night rider than allows you unlimited travel all night (until about 3am). Yes, taxis are easier but £6-10 on taxis every night out adds up. If your travel costs are cut down, you can crack on and get that Donner Kebab you obviously won't regret in the morning.

Secondly, food is the next biggest expense for a student. Granted, students don't have the best rep for cooking gourmet food but we don't have to. You don't need expensive ingredients to make something tasty. It starts with when you go shopping. If you go shopping during the day, expect to pay more than if you were to go close to closing time. The supermarkets mark down all of the food that has to be eaten that day and you can get ridiculous bargains - My best was a sirloin steak for 50p. You can freeze most of it too and it will usually be fine to be eaten up to 24-48 hours after the use-by date (but it depends on the product - use your common sense).  

Lastly, you have to remember that you're not at home anymore. Your parents aren't going to pick up the tab for frivolous purchases (unless they're very generous). So yes, we all love a Starbucks or a takeaway but if you're counting the pennies, don't go for a luxury coffee or a luxury-priced curry. I hate to break it to you, on a student budget, you will buy very little even remotely associated with 'luxury'. 

If you still need help getting through November, just remember all of your money problems will be solved soon by going home. Think of that roast on Christmas day.

Guide to the First Date

Congratulations, you've got a date! This is something I'm unsure of on this side of the pond as Brits tend to be with someone or without someone. However, more and more people are opening up to the idea of dating. A date can be any activity that two people interested in each other romantically partake in together (e.g. a meal out or zorbing for the more adventurous). A date can also be a period of time that both parties are terribly nervous and awkward in their attempts to impress the other. In fact, the first date often combines both descriptions resulting in an awkward period of time. Here are a few pointers to avoid the awkwardness...

Step 1 - Outfit 
First impressions are key so dress well. Even if you're going rock climbing, you don't have to go for khaki climbing trousers. The usual date will involve a meal out somewhere so you'll want to wear something nice. Ladies, I know this is difficult but (usually), they're men, they aren't going to notice if your shoes don't perfectly match your handbag. Depending on the restaurant (and the date!), you'll probably want to go for a dress - one that hugs the figure but hides the food baby. Heels are usually a must, too but not an essential. Also, you may feel better looking like someone from a 'framed reality' TV show with all that slap on but most guys and girls are scared of that look (just watch Snog, Marry, Avoid - hilarious stuff). Go for a natural look and hair that isn't too style - you'll only be stressing about it. Guys, go for a shirt and smart jeans/trousers - it looks like you've made a real effort. Also, try to avoid turning up smelling like you fell head first into an aftershave factory or that you've used an abundant amount of hair gel/wax - just looks bad. First impressions are key but don't stress about how you look - your date will smell the fear.

Step 2 - Activity
If the person you've fancied for aaaaaaages asks you out (yes!) but wants to take you to a heavy metal rock concert and you prefer all things pink (oh no), then don't agree to it just for the sake of it. You won't have fun or want to go on another date with them. Also, more problematically, your quick Wikipedia search on the band probably won't last long when they ask you what your favourite album is (followed by what your favourite song off that album is - unlucky). Similarly, don't insist on going to see a chick flic with a guy unless they love the Devil Wears Prada. In that case, always watch the Devil Wears Prada.

Zorbing - not the most romantic of dates...

Step 3 - Learn and avoid the pitfalls
You want to show the other person the best side of you and want to see them again (usually), right? This means you're going to have to learn what to avoid. Aside from getting the right date and time and not showing up in just your underwear (a bit presumptuous), here are the major pitfalls:
For the guys, don't tell any chauvinistic or misogynistic jokes, they only serve to shoot you in the foot (really, a woman can't handle a steak? Well, if you're paying I think I'll try, dipshit). 
Ladies, try to avoid talking about your outfit or clothes that much if you aren't getting a good reception (most straight men aren't all that bothered about whether Balmain jackets have too many shoulder pads). For both sexes, try to avoid texting at the table or texting too much on the date. You'll only look like a bored teenager who only needs a few more years to mature into full ASBO-hood. Avoid these major pitfalls and you'll be fine.

Step 4 - Avoiding Awkwardness
Ladies and gents, we all love to laugh but having a nice conversation with someone is very underrated. If you're constantly trying to make jokes (a lá Chandler Bing) then please stop - unless you are confident in the jokes you're telling. Bad jokes make the conversation become jilted and awkward. To make the conversation 'flow', ask about each other's backgrounds and interests without trying to sound like a stalker. 

If you follow all 4 steps and stay calm - they're on a date with you so they must like you! - I'm sure you'll have success on your next dates. Good Luck!

A Guide to being a Tourist

One of the most eagerly anticipated events of a Briton's annual calendar is here: the summer holiday. You've got your sunglasses, your beach towels and your SPF20 that you'll soon have to disregard (sensibly) for SPF50+ after the first hour in the sun. You are probably going somewhere hot in the Med like Spain (a favourite destination for us Brits). The problem with this is that the colour of our skin is so noticeably abhorrent compared to the locals that we stick out like pale thumbs. This teamed with the bumbag your parents insist on wearing, the sunhats they insist you wear and the worryingly loud English shouted by your parents at scared locals makes it quite obvious you are a tourist. This guide aims to help you fit in wherever you're going this summer.

If you don't see what is wrong with this, then I cannot help you.

Firstly, your clothing will give you away way before you manage to offend them by adding '-o' to every word you don't know in a heinously embarrassing Spanglish accent (e.g. Hola, where-o... a.. restaurant-o...?). Try to avoid the bumbag look. Not only because it looks awful on everyone but also because you're just showing pickpockets where all your stuff is - clever. Try, also, to avoid wearing your swimming costume and sarong anywhere that isn't the beach or a swimming pool - it doesn't look good or fit in with locals and they're going be even more offended. However, if you insist on doing either of these things then please please PLEASE make sure you do not wear pulled up ankle socks with trainers or, even worse, sandals. It may be comfier than your slippers in winter but any sane person in the world (local or not) are going to laugh you out of their town. For good reason. 

Q.E.D.

Your clothing, whatever it is, will look ten times worse if you are sporting a lobster red sunburn underneath. Worse because it's red raw skin and worse because you so obviously look like someone from Britain who never gets any sun. I don't care if "it'll go brown tomorrow", it still looks horrendous and gives you a much higher risk of skin damage - your choice.  I understand you want to have a healthy glow but a TOWIE tan is too far (I hope you're listening, Essex).

Lastly, the language barrier is not removed in any way by shouting loudly in a weirdly accented English at locals who don't remotely know what you're talking about. You need to at least try to speak their language. Get a phrase book (and not a joke one!) and invest some time going through it before you get there. I don't mean on the plane, either! If you're a family, one of your children might be learning a foreign language at school so they might be able to help. However, if you want some help from them, you are going to have to try not to embarrass your children by calling them "the fruit of your loins" loudly in public. We hate that. So stop.

If you're going abroad this summer (lucky) then just try to remember that you're basically an ambassador for our country and I do not want to be known as an overweight, pale, balding, embarrassing nation. So just try not to be a 'tourist'.

The Morning After the Night Before: A Guide to being Hungover

Good night out? If the answer is yes then you're probably hating life today. Am I right? Well, never fear, help is at hand to get you through this tough time in your life. 

Firstly, there are several types of hangover:

1. A slight headache (congrats) 

2. Headache and extreme tiredness (zzz)

3. Headache, tiredness and nausea (grim)

4. Headache, tiredness, nausea and fear of death (savage) 

You will know what category hangover you have as soon as you wake up by how your body feels. The category will also directly correlate to how you look. For example, if you wake up in last nights clothes or in nothing but your shoes, you're likely to be a category 3 or 4. If you still don't know how bad the hangover will be, check your phone. Categories 1 and 2 certainly won't have sent any embarrassing texts or tweets to angry flatmates or crushes whereas categories 3 and 4 will have confessed their undying love for their tutor over Twitter. Fantastic. 

If you are classed as either category 1 or 2 hangover then drink some water and eat salty food - you'll be fine. If it's 3 or 4 or you class it to be any worse then you are in a dire situation. Of course, it's made worse because it's self inflicted and therefore nobody feels remotely sorry for you. 

Categories 3 and 4 mean that movement is extremely limited due to the nausea. This also means you won't be able to tell hunger and nausea apart and from fear of being sick, won't eat or want to drink anything. I urge you to try and drink and eat something. You'll feel much more human, I promise. Carbs are always a good bet (pasta always gets me through it) but I'm sure I should be telling you to eat fresh fruit and veg (much healthier but the nuclear option is to choose carbs). 

Before food is consumed if you are nervous about vomming then I would try (I know it just be sooo hard for you) to get up and stand in the shower for a few minutes. You'll wash last night off you so you won't at least have to smell the alcohol anymore. 

The one positive to a hangover for a student is that you don't feel quite as bad lying in bed all day watching films. You're "ill" and therefore have an excuse. Also, you will be cheered up throughout the day when flashback memories from last night visit you. These usually involve you doing or saying something very stupid and embarrassing but you can always blame it on the alcohol! 

Just remember, you're not going to die evenif you feel like it. Just stick films on and eat some chips. In fact, that's a panacea for any problem you'll encounter in life. Keep calm and eat chips. 

A Guide to Teenage Girls

As much as I love boys, I am so glad I'm a girl. I'm 19 and, as a girl, was very glad to avoid the embarrassing voice breaking stage of male puberty, as well as patchy facial hair and usually, boys are significantly spottier than girls (thank the lack of showers). However, when it comes to female puberty, we women are born with an innate knowledge of what is to await us. All men, however, are born with an innate ability to ignore all female puberty warning signs and the inability to learn anything from our constant tantrums. 

The source of these constant tantrums are sadly known to nobody on this planet and probably nobody in the universe. They can cause a once lovely pig-tailed little girl who couldn't go anywhere without her favourite teddy into a screaming spawn of the devil himself who is willing to drag anyone and anything (pets included) into Hell with her. Sad but true. The worrying thing is that these can erupt at any time sometimes without any prior warning. This means that the tantrums are large and inevitable components of being a teenage girl therefore, I cannot guide any teenage girl or her family how to avoid such occurrences. 

Another component of being a teenage girl that comes hand in hand with the temper-tantrum is the stubbornness that only a teenager can have. This means that no teenage girl (or boy, for that matter) will ever apologise willingly, or often meaningfully, for anything they will have said or done in the temper-tantrum. The only guidance I can give you all is that the hormones are most likely doing this and that they will hopefully not be like that forever. Fingers Crossed.

The next stage that usually comes after some physical development is the first boyfriend or girlfriend. Obviously with a teenage girl having a girlfriend, the threat of pregnancy is removed but the threat of your precious daughter being broken-hearted "forever" is very real. The first boyfriend is usually quite an issue for most parents, especially fathers. Most teenagers will keep their first few week-long relationships from their parents but when the first serious one comes along, you're going to know about it. Often, the famed temper-tantrums become increasingly intrinsically linked to any slight argument with the beloved boyfriend. Now, fathers, I know what you're thinking: "who is this 'man' and what does he want with my daughter?". We all know that you know the answers to those questions so why do you bother asking them? We all understand you want to protect your little girl but be nice to the beloved boyfriend at least for the first time you meet him. Believe me, he will be so scared of you he wouldn't dare do anything to your daughter, so relax.

Soon, your daughter should return to a person you want to have dinner with every night which will relax everyone in the household. My only advice would be to let them get on with it. They'll thank you for it in the end. It's a hard time for everyone but make sure they've got enough chocolate and flowers. Girls love that.