A Guide to Music Festivals

Expensive, draining and filthy are three of the most common words associated with most music festivals. You're in a field (granted some are much much bigger than others - Glastonbury is 3/4 the size of my hometown!) camping with a number of other people who haven't washed, eaten or slept properly for days. So why do people go?

Filthy, Fantastic and utterly fitting for a festival

Firstly, the expense is totally worth it when you consider how many bands you have the ability to see. At bigger festivals, you pay more but you will never be short of things to see. Sadly, with that, comes clashes. If you're going with a group of friends, it's unlikely you'll all want to see the same band every time. Don't be scared to go and watch something by yourself if your friends don't want to. You may not get another opportunity to see what you want to again. 

Secondly, festivals are draining but you're there to have a good time as are the other thousands of festival-goers which gives a festival a vibe no party can ever hope to have. Be prepared to be tired for a lot of the time as you will hardly get any sleep (if you're doing a festival properly) because the best places to go in the festival come out post-midnight usually in a far-flung corner of the festival. Trust me, it's totally worth it. For Glastonbury, follow the thousands of people on the trek to Shangri-La after the headliners (Block 9, The Common and Shangri-La are the bets place for you ravers out there). Similarly, if your night is drawing to a close and the sun is coming up, bigger festivals will have somewhere you can go and welcome the day. The Stone Circle is the best place in Glastonbury for this. Here, you can recharge and continue your night or calm down getting ready for 2 hours of sleep. Once you have had your nap, don't skimp on any source of caffeine to get you through otherwise you really will struggle.

You don't have to do this but he looks like he's enjoying himself ;)

Thirdly, yes, you are going to be a filthy mess during the festival but the beauty is that you certainly won't be alone. Mud becomes an essential festival accessory but most people do tend to keep it all over their wellies. You can bring an amount of wet wipes to rival Mothercare's stock but you will still feel festival filthy. It's a fact. If you aren't comfortable with it, may I suggest not going to a festival. Nobody likes to be reminded how dirty they are. You just have to get over it. If you are having a problem with the filth, one thing you can do is bring plenty of clothes to change into. There's nothing worse than smelly, dirty clothes to give you away and make you feel even worse. 

Lastly, the motto "Go hard or go home" is one that should be stitched onto all wristbands as it is one you will live by for the festival. Go to a festival to see bands, dance and enjoy yourself. If you go with that mindset, you won't be disappointed. 

Guide to your first Parent-Free Holiday

If "OO-AH-MALIAAA I SAID OO-AH-MALIAAAAAAA" is all you're hearing at the moment then congrats, you're going on your first parent-free holiday. No curfews, no rules, no problem. Perfect. Or is it?

Firstly, if you think your parents are going to let you leave for your holiday without inviting the Queen around for a goodbye ceremony of the weirdest kind, you're wrong. It will all start a month or so before you're due to leave when they start to ask you about what you're going to pack, when you're going to pack and where you intend on getting your rape alarm from. My advice is to let them worry because even if you try to reassure them, they'll be right back on it the next day. After my A-levels, our friends went to a house in Cornwall (because it's where all the cool cats go). It's also because most of us were in couples and saw no point in having to subject ourselves to the sunburned sights of Kavos all trying to get off with each other. Our parents still "helped" with the packing meaning they took out every bikini and crop top and swapped it for jeans and a rather flattering sweatshirt owned since 2001. No matter though, the bikinis came with us. 

Secondly, I don't know how well-known this is but your parents are older than you. They have so much more "experience" of life which is unfortunately, an end to any rational argument about whether to take 2 cans of pepper spray or none. Your parents "know more than you ever will" even if they've never been clubbing or to your destination before. Your parents will never understand that you've had experiences of your own that they've never had and refuse to even think about comparing them to the rich and complex experiences they've had. My advice? Let them believe they know everything but use your own experience to guide you. You know it'll be hot so take a proper sun cream. That's from you. Your parents will also insist on kaftans and hats but you need to choose what to wear, not your parents. 

Thirdly and lastly, your parents will expect some form of contact out there and will have probably bought you an international calling card that they used a lot but us teens have never encountered before. If you contact them every now and then, you'll put their minds to rest and they can trust you. Remember, you are away WITHOUT your parents. Go and get so drunk you'll never want to be drunk again.

Unless you want to end up on Sun, Sex and Suspicious parents, I really would heed your parents advice on most things (or at least tell them you will) and contact them at some point. You do not want your parents being in the same club as you whilst you dance on bars with attractive/scummy people.

The Guide to the Great British Summer

In light of the recent weather and my subsequent sunburn, I feel secure in saying that us Brits need a bit of help when it comes to the sun and summer. The Great British Summer doesn't grant us very many nice days but when it does, we feel obliged to go and enjoy it with every appropriate skin cell. Unfortunately, this mean lots of pasty nudity on every street, beer garden and park in Britain. So here's a few tips to actually enjoy the few days of summer we get a year without resulting in pink, peeling skin. 

Firstly, the obvious: wear sun cream. I realise I may sound hypocritical as I am currently sporting a heavenly pink glow on both arms but I was in the north (Sheffield) and the sun was unprecedented - we're students so I wasn't going to buy some. Sun cream does actually work even if it is sticky and annoying however the SPF is important. For example, I have very fair skin (something I seem to forget in the first few sunny days) and need SPF 40 minimum. I do know people, however, that don't seem to worry about skin cancer and use an SPF 2 or a tanning milk (SPF0-1) - up to you but I wouldn't dream of it. In this country, obviously you can get away with a smaller SPF but always wear a higher SPF on your face if you want to have nicer skin than your contemporaries at the age of 40. Please do go and enjoy the sun (we don't get it very often) just think about being red and sore before you opt for the SPF10.

Secondly, I know it's sunny and hot but please wear clothes. A pet peeve of mine that I think is shared by many, is when people (lads, especially) decide everyone in the town wants to see them topless. When women do this, we're criticised for dressing provocatively - bikinis are for the beach, not for Budgens. You're going to get burnt and look very stupid. Up to you.

Thirdly, try to avoid barbecues organised by incompetent people - your food won't be cooked properly and food poisoning is likely. This may sound patronising but the kinds of barbecues you can buy in Poundland that people always take to the beach won't cook your sausages as quick as the awesome BBQ your family has at home, trust me.  

Lastly, don't get too depressed when the sun, inevitably, goes away for another year. This happens every year, you should be prepared. You're less likely to have damaged skin and you don't have to feel uncomfortable in your clothes because it's too hot to breathe. We don't live in the med so don't be surprised when the sun gets bored of red raw Brits.

Guide to the First Date

Congratulations, you've got a date! This is something I'm unsure of on this side of the pond as Brits tend to be with someone or without someone. However, more and more people are opening up to the idea of dating. A date can be any activity that two people interested in each other romantically partake in together (e.g. a meal out or zorbing for the more adventurous). A date can also be a period of time that both parties are terribly nervous and awkward in their attempts to impress the other. In fact, the first date often combines both descriptions resulting in an awkward period of time. Here are a few pointers to avoid the awkwardness...

Step 1 - Outfit 
First impressions are key so dress well. Even if you're going rock climbing, you don't have to go for khaki climbing trousers. The usual date will involve a meal out somewhere so you'll want to wear something nice. Ladies, I know this is difficult but (usually), they're men, they aren't going to notice if your shoes don't perfectly match your handbag. Depending on the restaurant (and the date!), you'll probably want to go for a dress - one that hugs the figure but hides the food baby. Heels are usually a must, too but not an essential. Also, you may feel better looking like someone from a 'framed reality' TV show with all that slap on but most guys and girls are scared of that look (just watch Snog, Marry, Avoid - hilarious stuff). Go for a natural look and hair that isn't too style - you'll only be stressing about it. Guys, go for a shirt and smart jeans/trousers - it looks like you've made a real effort. Also, try to avoid turning up smelling like you fell head first into an aftershave factory or that you've used an abundant amount of hair gel/wax - just looks bad. First impressions are key but don't stress about how you look - your date will smell the fear.

Step 2 - Activity
If the person you've fancied for aaaaaaages asks you out (yes!) but wants to take you to a heavy metal rock concert and you prefer all things pink (oh no), then don't agree to it just for the sake of it. You won't have fun or want to go on another date with them. Also, more problematically, your quick Wikipedia search on the band probably won't last long when they ask you what your favourite album is (followed by what your favourite song off that album is - unlucky). Similarly, don't insist on going to see a chick flic with a guy unless they love the Devil Wears Prada. In that case, always watch the Devil Wears Prada.

Zorbing - not the most romantic of dates...

Step 3 - Learn and avoid the pitfalls
You want to show the other person the best side of you and want to see them again (usually), right? This means you're going to have to learn what to avoid. Aside from getting the right date and time and not showing up in just your underwear (a bit presumptuous), here are the major pitfalls:
For the guys, don't tell any chauvinistic or misogynistic jokes, they only serve to shoot you in the foot (really, a woman can't handle a steak? Well, if you're paying I think I'll try, dipshit). 
Ladies, try to avoid talking about your outfit or clothes that much if you aren't getting a good reception (most straight men aren't all that bothered about whether Balmain jackets have too many shoulder pads). For both sexes, try to avoid texting at the table or texting too much on the date. You'll only look like a bored teenager who only needs a few more years to mature into full ASBO-hood. Avoid these major pitfalls and you'll be fine.

Step 4 - Avoiding Awkwardness
Ladies and gents, we all love to laugh but having a nice conversation with someone is very underrated. If you're constantly trying to make jokes (a lá Chandler Bing) then please stop - unless you are confident in the jokes you're telling. Bad jokes make the conversation become jilted and awkward. To make the conversation 'flow', ask about each other's backgrounds and interests without trying to sound like a stalker. 

If you follow all 4 steps and stay calm - they're on a date with you so they must like you! - I'm sure you'll have success on your next dates. Good Luck!

A Guide to being a Tourist

One of the most eagerly anticipated events of a Briton's annual calendar is here: the summer holiday. You've got your sunglasses, your beach towels and your SPF20 that you'll soon have to disregard (sensibly) for SPF50+ after the first hour in the sun. You are probably going somewhere hot in the Med like Spain (a favourite destination for us Brits). The problem with this is that the colour of our skin is so noticeably abhorrent compared to the locals that we stick out like pale thumbs. This teamed with the bumbag your parents insist on wearing, the sunhats they insist you wear and the worryingly loud English shouted by your parents at scared locals makes it quite obvious you are a tourist. This guide aims to help you fit in wherever you're going this summer.

If you don't see what is wrong with this, then I cannot help you.

Firstly, your clothing will give you away way before you manage to offend them by adding '-o' to every word you don't know in a heinously embarrassing Spanglish accent (e.g. Hola, where-o... a.. restaurant-o...?). Try to avoid the bumbag look. Not only because it looks awful on everyone but also because you're just showing pickpockets where all your stuff is - clever. Try, also, to avoid wearing your swimming costume and sarong anywhere that isn't the beach or a swimming pool - it doesn't look good or fit in with locals and they're going be even more offended. However, if you insist on doing either of these things then please please PLEASE make sure you do not wear pulled up ankle socks with trainers or, even worse, sandals. It may be comfier than your slippers in winter but any sane person in the world (local or not) are going to laugh you out of their town. For good reason. 

Q.E.D.

Your clothing, whatever it is, will look ten times worse if you are sporting a lobster red sunburn underneath. Worse because it's red raw skin and worse because you so obviously look like someone from Britain who never gets any sun. I don't care if "it'll go brown tomorrow", it still looks horrendous and gives you a much higher risk of skin damage - your choice.  I understand you want to have a healthy glow but a TOWIE tan is too far (I hope you're listening, Essex).

Lastly, the language barrier is not removed in any way by shouting loudly in a weirdly accented English at locals who don't remotely know what you're talking about. You need to at least try to speak their language. Get a phrase book (and not a joke one!) and invest some time going through it before you get there. I don't mean on the plane, either! If you're a family, one of your children might be learning a foreign language at school so they might be able to help. However, if you want some help from them, you are going to have to try not to embarrass your children by calling them "the fruit of your loins" loudly in public. We hate that. So stop.

If you're going abroad this summer (lucky) then just try to remember that you're basically an ambassador for our country and I do not want to be known as an overweight, pale, balding, embarrassing nation. So just try not to be a 'tourist'.

The Morning After the Night Before: A Guide to being Hungover

Good night out? If the answer is yes then you're probably hating life today. Am I right? Well, never fear, help is at hand to get you through this tough time in your life. 

Firstly, there are several types of hangover:

1. A slight headache (congrats) 

2. Headache and extreme tiredness (zzz)

3. Headache, tiredness and nausea (grim)

4. Headache, tiredness, nausea and fear of death (savage) 

You will know what category hangover you have as soon as you wake up by how your body feels. The category will also directly correlate to how you look. For example, if you wake up in last nights clothes or in nothing but your shoes, you're likely to be a category 3 or 4. If you still don't know how bad the hangover will be, check your phone. Categories 1 and 2 certainly won't have sent any embarrassing texts or tweets to angry flatmates or crushes whereas categories 3 and 4 will have confessed their undying love for their tutor over Twitter. Fantastic. 

If you are classed as either category 1 or 2 hangover then drink some water and eat salty food - you'll be fine. If it's 3 or 4 or you class it to be any worse then you are in a dire situation. Of course, it's made worse because it's self inflicted and therefore nobody feels remotely sorry for you. 

Categories 3 and 4 mean that movement is extremely limited due to the nausea. This also means you won't be able to tell hunger and nausea apart and from fear of being sick, won't eat or want to drink anything. I urge you to try and drink and eat something. You'll feel much more human, I promise. Carbs are always a good bet (pasta always gets me through it) but I'm sure I should be telling you to eat fresh fruit and veg (much healthier but the nuclear option is to choose carbs). 

Before food is consumed if you are nervous about vomming then I would try (I know it just be sooo hard for you) to get up and stand in the shower for a few minutes. You'll wash last night off you so you won't at least have to smell the alcohol anymore. 

The one positive to a hangover for a student is that you don't feel quite as bad lying in bed all day watching films. You're "ill" and therefore have an excuse. Also, you will be cheered up throughout the day when flashback memories from last night visit you. These usually involve you doing or saying something very stupid and embarrassing but you can always blame it on the alcohol! 

Just remember, you're not going to die evenif you feel like it. Just stick films on and eat some chips. In fact, that's a panacea for any problem you'll encounter in life. Keep calm and eat chips. 

A Guide to Thrift Shopping

Thanks to Macklemore and his associates, everyone and their dog has been obsessed with thrift shopping ever since his song came out. On this side of the pond, charity shops have long been linked to old ladies selling dusty old books and clothes for 50p. However, since the fashion shift to vintage happened a few years ago, anyone wanting to be known as 'retro' was shopping in Oxfams and Scopes across the country.Shops such as Beyond Retro are havens for anyone calling themselves a vintage fashion lover or an edgy hipster but their clothes do cost several limbs to own. This make the honest charity shop much more desirable even if it is less glamourous (although it makes the item much more unique). 

Rails and rails of vintage clothes that have potential to  be that one statement piece

The first thing to remember when sifting through thrift shops is that not every item is going to be bang on like a boutique thrift shop (e.g. Urban Outfitters) so you're going to have to dedicate some time to find the real gems. Also, there certainly won't be an awesome house soundtrack on in Oxfam unless you wear your headphones (but you don't want to be thought of as a 'yob' by the chairty shop elders). You will be confronted with rails and rails of colourful clothing that certainly don't look good put next to each other but accessorised well and paired with plain colours, it could be a beautiful, statement piece that can be recycled season after season.

The next thing to remember is that charity shops often do fantastic jewellery that has been donated. I have some fantastic real gold necklaces that work if I'm doing the hipster look or the vintage look. You do want to avoid looking like Mr T though, which is easily done if you go a little overboard on the gold. Other accessories like shoes can be quite hit and miss but handbags are often good quality and sometimes you can come across a Mulberry (if you live in one of the home counties, of course).

Thirdly, if you are an impoverished student wanting to keep up to date with the latest campus trend of being edgy but can't afford high street, head to the charity shops. Charity shops, if you're lucky, may have very similar 90s addidas sweatshirt that Urban Outfitters are selling for £40. Bargain and bang on trend - what more could you ask for?

Lastly, remember the motto "one man's trash is another man's treasure" so you can give back to charity any clothes you don't have a home for anymore and simultaneously possibly complete someone's outfit and make yourself feel good about donating. Win Win.